take a step back

There is so much to life we forget about as we pass each moment...sometimes all it takes to remember all the great things in life is to take a step back...step back from what I do regularly....take a look at my life, me....witness myself as I go through my routine...am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Is there anything I'm missing? ... then I take the hard way and do what I don't wish to do...challenge myself....open my eyes and stop doing things I think I can't go without .... that opens my eyes ... to the reality ... 

The greatest supporter in the worlds

Dear God, Im caught guilty...of having this big dream...that I would find impossible if I didnt have you...so many times you have made impossibles possible for me...showing me that nothing is impossible when you want it for me...althoughy im an unworthy forgetful and sinful servant of yours...but you give not because of who I am but because of who you are...not because you need me, but because you love me...thank you...im privileged to have you and come to you for everything...I have a big dream that seems far away but I have a reallly greater God who is close...very close..so I ask, please help me realise my dream if its good for me...or help me be happy if it didnt come true because it wasnt good for me...I have no fear, no worry, no regret for I have a supporter who loves me endlessly...I am comforted...

I refuse...

I refuse to hang on to people...they are like vapor...they are not designed to be hold on to...I'm made to only hang on to God...

God, I hang on to you...everywhere, all the time, in all my ups and downs, good moments and guilty ones, I come to you...and you always welcome me with a warm embrace...write this on my forhead as I pass life, that I hang on only to youuuuuu....

Is it my part to control?

I've been thinking about 'what does it mean to be content?'...many times we have heard it is about being happy with what you got...I think it's true but has more depth to it than just that...I'm usually the person who makes it happen when I want something...Although there may be so many obstacles in my way, I've always loved to take the challenge and try really hard to get what I wanted-and I mostly got it, in different ways (sometimes I learnt after, I could have done better without getting what I desired most and ended up in a confused state!)...sometimes when I knew I'm pushing too hard, and perhaps the best way is not what I think it is, I still kept going...

I always thought I am the one in control, of course, God is monitoring everything too...

But it's an old philosophical argument of how much control does man really have? some say, destiny is already planned beforehand and we have no control...some say, everything is in our hands, and no force is at it...but some say it's a mixture of both...my decisions and control plus a destiny that has been somewhat determined...the latter sounds right to me...

Yet if it does, it means there is only so much I can control-or better said, I should try to control only so much...and depend on the so called destiny or the 'force' behind it to help me beyond that...well I call that force God...

Perhaps being content is not merely being happy with what you've got, but admitting that there is so much you must control, and doing your best at that, but being happy with the outcome, whatever it maybe...of course there are some conditions that need to be met...firstly, the belief in a personal God who is wise and have all power over your life...secondly, that He loves you and when you trust Him, you don't just say the word 'trust' with your mouth, but deeply believe in it with your heart...So the part you don't get to control is actually controlled by a loving, caring God, who knows what is best for you, and sees your efforts ceaselessly....I am content and calm, and I have felt so many times when God's hands were supporting me, sometimes when I was really desperate, down, or didn't expect a big help...I have witnessed miracles, and that is all because of Him...

It's not all about me...

Sometimes I'm so much into my own world, that I fail to recognise others'...that they have a world too...that their thoughts, perceptions, ideas, understanding, is all different...and they, just like me, have the right to that...

Sometimes I suddenly stop and tell myself: wait wait, maybe you need to stop thinking about you and your needs for a bit and consider what the person in front of you is going through...what does he/she need and what is he/she thinking about...how can you care for them and what can you do for the person...specially if thats a family member or a friend you treasure...

Today I realized it all again...I didnt notice...when I think I know a person so well and then suddenly boom! No I dont...how much do I really know? How much time did I spend knowing them for who they are actually?...and I felt sorry...but it isnt too late...

I'm usually not a selfish person, yet again there are moments I drown deep in my own world...

I more than exist...

I am not perfect...I make lots of mistakes daily...there is a lot I dont know and I may be wrong in many instances...thats the typical human...and I have come to a point where I believe life is not about becoming perfect...but striving to be better day after day...I like Miley Cyrus' song, The Climb...it's really the striving that matters...how hard I try...this very moment...how hard do I fight...the struggle...not being content with the easy way out...the easy way to live...but to struggle against myself to be better...perhaps thats what God is looking for in people..
Thats how I can help me.

A beautiful pain...

Love without expectation...without need...without want...is it possible?...to love a person just because they exist...they breathe...they are...although I wish to experience this love, I think I have a long way to learn what love is, exploring its depth...but perhaps, the pain that comes with love is a beautiful pain...but I dont know...

Nothing is absolute...

Moods change...we change...times change...habits, wants, and needs change...our views, expectations, perceptions, hopes, dreams, and even beliefs change...

One day we are so happy and everythings right...the moods great, energy at its best with lots of excitement and love...

One day it feels as if there is no hope left...the day is long, and feels dreadful, tears are falling, and your hearts aching, nothings going right and you dont know what to do...

It's just a cycle...of ups and downs...

So what does really matter, if we are all headed towards so much of change...

They say when your feeling any of the two extremes ( too happy or too sad ) make a visit to the cemetery...it will neutralize your mood as it reminds you that nothing is really important because no matter what, you'll end up under the ground like all the people who have died...no matter what situation youre going through, what is hurting you, or why youre feeling over the top, youre still gonna end up there...

Going to the cemetery makes my mind silent....I think about death....that it may come to me any moment....am I ready?...am I living the way I would if I knew I dont have much time left?...would I lament so much over small things and lose my chances and precious time if I knew when my time is up?...

Another question that knocks...how can I help make the death experience the best and the easiest it could be?...no matter what you believe to be true about God and the purpose of life, Im sure you agree that being a good person helps...being in a way I wont regret...

Nothing remains...sadness, happiness, days nights, all pass...

For me, its about this verse...

"What is the life of this world but play and amusement? But best is the Home in the Hereafter, for those who are righteous. Will ye not then understand?" (Quraan 6:32)

That which happens is not accidental

I've been through it many times...when I have my own plans and think any other way would hurt...but life has proven many things wont go according to my plans...and although it hurts at times, I cant deny that what I abhor, may actually be good for me to experience...

I was hurt by somebody a few days ago...

Thinking that the person is not good anymore and I was mistaken...but last night, a thought came to me...if it wasnt for being hurt, I wouldnt have known how wrong I have been...I wouldnt have known who I was going to trust...and I would have gone the wrong way...

So I felt thankful for the person who hurt me...

Sometimes what we think is good for us is not good indeed and what we think is bad for us is actually good...could be a wake-up call, a reminder, or any other lesson we have to learn to move on....

A peek through my daily journal

I write a lot sometimes..I plan, set goals, make lists, reflect on my feelings and the past events, describe memories in detail, envision my dreams and hopes, take out my confusion on paper, struggle with words, take notes of whatever I learn and find interesting, try to understand what is holding me back shuffling through my mind...all with words...of course privately in many small notebooks and papers all around my room, stuck on the walls, piled up on my desk, sometimes folded inside the books I used to read, or lost in a corner of my bag to be found later..

I keep a separate journal in which I write only about who I want and wish to be as a person always...and updating it everyday helps in knowing exactly what I'm after...sooo, here's what I wrote today...(the words are as they come to my mind; when you write for you, there is no reason to follow any order, or need to make perfect sense....just freely write it out as it flows)...

I am
peaceful, happy, strong, forgiving,
non-judgmental, patient, physically-fit.

I am
educated, sensible, mature, wise, kind.

I am
determined, beautiful, attractive, cute.

I am 
a doer, an achiever, adventurous, excited.

I am 
just, charismatic, humble, helpful, lovely.

I am 
a gift, a role model, a servant of God, 
a visitor in the world.

I am 
perseverant, diligent, hard-working,
caring, sympathetic.

I am 
a family person, a lover, a leader.

I am
a person with purpose,
on a way to please God.

In the same journal, I note 10 reasons I'm happy that day...from small things like a smile from a friend to big things like having no physical pain or submitting that article I've been working on for a while....all need to be mentioned so I don't take anything for granted :)

More than a claim...

I always wonder when a person likes some thing or someone so much as to call it love, would they be able to sacrifice for that thing or person? Or is it really 'love' if I won't change me, tackle challenges, adapt my lifestyle, do whatever I shall, for the sake of what I love? How deep do we really think about the word 'love'?Or is it just enough to like something a lot without wanting to 'do' anything to achieve it, keep it, appreciate it, or just for the sake of love itself?...

Old Persian sayings have that man becomes a real man when he falls in love...perhaps because love is demanding...in order to get what you 'can't live without', you must be molded...must be good enough...and I'm not talking about a typical "I love you" we may tell others as a common thing...but the love that changes, molds, humbles, takes you up and down, squeezes you, makes you cry, gives you so much hope that you don't see its end..the love that CHANGES you, makes you reflect upon you and your ways...and do what it takes, no matter what, to be worthy of that...of course I'm not just thinking about love between people but also things...if you love art, you'll do anything to be a great artist, an art admirer, whose artistic nature is transparent through his appearance...or if a girl wishes to be attractive, she does anything, sometimes painful, to get there...

Today, I was thinking I say I love my parents, I love to be a knowledgeable and strong believer, I like to be physically fit and strong, and many other goals that I have...but the extent of my love is...perhaps how much time I spend on each of them...It's easy to claim I love my parents...but do I really?...so if they are so valuable to me, how much of my daily time am I spending on them?...same goes for other things and people...It's easy to say "I love"...but a measure of how I really love is what I do for that person or thing or goal...and to what extent will I go to change to cater to that love....

Talking is easy...but actions are valuable...they say if you wish to know your true friends, see who sticks by you in a difficult situation, when it's easier for them not to stay with you, but they do it anyways...or they say if you want to know if a person likes you a lot, see whether he or she is willing to give you something that is most precious to him or  her...or if they are not rich but they spend their money or what they got for you...

I was rethinking about how I spend my days, and whether I spend my moments for what I claim to love or like a lot...

The biggest dream

Lots of dreams play around in my imagination...taking me to different places times feelings...im longing to touch them all in reality and see them become real....a beautiful rainy day and colorful flowers around me...Im really excited and energetic today to run after that butterfly and see where it goes...to smell the air and dance with the wind...

Walking under the rain singing and laughing with my favorite hazelnut ice blended...getting totally wet and cold...aahh my soul is breathing...I am a free bird...

Above all my dreams, I have a dream worth all these moments...a thirst, a desire, a passion...all the beauties of the world in the same feeling...as drops of rain fall on me, Im looking at the sky...I want you...I want to fall in love...no matter what it takes...no matter where I go, what I do, I long for you...to meet you...to feel you...to cry happy tears...you are the one who owns my heart and you see me through good and bad, happy and sad...you fill me...though Im not worthy enough....God, this passion is yours...Im yours...I belong with You...